Weathering the Storm
Summer is approaching and we are out enjoying nature and its restorative benefits. However, being in nature comes with a certain kind of preparation. Sunscreen, hats, umbrellas, or a rain plan for a sports game. We realize the value in being prepared. It helps navigate the unknown, reduces anxiety, and, in some instances, ensures survival.
Do you and your partner have that in your relationship? Or are you just floating along until you hit a rough patch, and then hope to weather that one storm? We like to think that you should come to your relationship prepared, just as you do for inclement weather. You should know the protocols for an “overcast” or “sunny” day. That’s how we like to think of our Dialogue Process.
The process of Imago Dialogue is something like a canoe on a lake. Two people are paddling, one in the back and one in the front. They have their strokes coordinated and are gliding smoothly over the lake. The wind comes up. What do you do? Keep paddling. If one stops, the canoe will turn sideways to the wind and possibly tip over. The waves get higher. What do you do? Turn into the waves and keep paddling, using the smooth strokes you used before the turbulence arose. If one stops paddling or comments on how the other is paddling, the canoe will turn sideways into the wave and probably flip over. Both paddlers will get wet. This is a metaphor of most fights. However, if both persons keep paddling just as they did when the lake was placid, but with the added coordinated effort needed because of the wind and the wave, they will keep the canoe afloat.
One tip for preparing to weather any relationship storm is the first step of the Imago Dialogue process. Mirror. What does Mirroring mean? It means repeating back what you heard, checking for accuracy, and inviting more. “If I heard you correctly, you said you prefer red over green. Did I get that? Is there more about that?” If your partner shares a deep wish, Mirror back. If they express a frustration, Mirror it back. If they communicate an appreciation, Mirror it back. When they are talking about a work challenge, Mirror it back. When they are talking about needing more support at home, Mirror it back. If you do that, no matter what comes up, you will stay connected.
It sounds simple, but it can be difficult as it means quieting our own inner chatter to make room for the other person. But Mirroring invites the other to be seen, keeps reactions at bay, invites more to be discovered, and prevents couples from falling into the lake.